A Sex Toy Design Workshop for Seniors: Celebrating Aging and Sexuality through Participatory Design

“We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.” ― Marilyn Monroe

What is sex to you? Is it just limited to intercourse? Is cuddling considered sexual? What about kissing? Have you ever pondered how sex might feel when you’re 75 years old compared to when you were 22? 

Sexual needs of older adults are often neglected or denied in our society. Contrary to the ageist view, people in their later years have sexual drive similar to younger people, although sex for them may take a different shape and form. It is crucial for older adults to define what sex means to them, rather than accept a predefined concept dictated by the mainstream.

As a designer, I am fascinated by how the design of sex toys can shape our perception and understanding of sex. When we design sex toys, we are not just creating objects with functions, but we are also defining what sex is and how it should be experienced. In other words, the design of a sex toy defines what a sex toy is, and moreover, what sex is. Participatory design, on the other hand, offers a way that allows participants to define what sex is. By asking the targeted population to participate in the design process, designers are giving them back their power and agency in defining things for themselves. 

To celebrate creativity and imagination in older adults, I took a participatory design approach by organizing a sex toy design workshop for seniors and inviting them to co-design sex toys with me. Through sketching, making, and exchanging ideas, we explored new possibilities for intimate and personalized sexual expression and pleasure. 

“Let’s do a sex toy design workshop!”

While browsing online for senior centers in New York City, a particular name caught my attention – Queens Center for Gay Seniors, which has recently started offering a course called the “Sex Ed Series”. This center is situated in a small bungalow located in Jackson Heights, Queens, New York, and serves as a community space for older adults living nearby, offering a variety of weekly classes and bonding events to its members.

Despite the name of the center, the majority of the members are straight and are just beginning to explore gender issues, sexual diversity, intersectionality, and other related topics. As I spent more time at the center, I noticed that while some members were enthusiastic about attending the sex ed and gender literacy classes, others were still hesitant to engage in conversations about sex more openly. Recognizing this, I thought of creating a welcoming space that invites the older adults to explore and express their sexuality in a way that feels comfortable and familiar to them.

In the New Year community meeting at the center, I proposed the idea of hosting a sex toy design workshop that would allow members to use art and design tools to create a physical representation of their ideas and identity. This would provide a non-verbal way for members to express their sexuality and desires, without the pressure of having to engage in explicit discussions or conversations. The staff and members were all very excited to hear about the idea, and we soon began planning for the workshop to take place in February, 2023.

“Asking the right question is more crucial than giving the right answer.”

Out of fear of my inadequacy in facilitating a workshop on a topic I’m no expert in, I reached out to Lindsey Duel, an experienced sex educator, for advice. Lindsey is a former director at Generation Q, a center for queer teenagers, where she ran programs educating young people about sex and sexuality. I urgently wanted to pick her brain and prepare myself for all the possible questions participants might have during the workshop. I had little confidence in addressing their questions properly, given my limited knowledge in sex education. However, after hearing my concerns, Lindsey gave me a simple yet surprising response: asking the right question is more crucial than giving the right answer. 

These words struck a deep chord with me and later became the cornerstone of the workshop. From then on, I steered away from the efforts to educate participants on sexuality and instead focused on formulating inviting and open-ended prompts that would inspire them to come up with their own answers.

I borrowed the idea of cultural probes¹, which use materials such as a workbook to interview people and understand their emotional and physical lives. Instead of investigating people’s lives, however, I designed a workbook that would walk participants through the design process and help them generate creative ideas. In the workbook, I incorporated the idea of a verb list from Richard Serra², asking participants which action verbs they would use to describe the functions of their sex toy. Additionally, I asked them questions such as which senses they would like to engage and which body parts they would like to stimulate with their sex toy, among others. Finally, participants would sketch out their ideas in the workbook and use it as a reference to actually build the sex toy with simple art materials during the workshop.

I named the workshop “Get Sexcited” in the hope of creating a vibrant and positive atmosphere. I wanted the participants to embrace the joy and positivity of sexuality in their later years and be open to discussing sexuality while engaging in art-making and idea-sharing activities. Rather than merely tolerating sexuality, I hope to promote a culture of celebration around it.

“You think fingering is intimate but not sexual? I think the exact opposite.”

After two months of preparation, the workshop was held in late February 2023. A total of nine participants attended, with ages ranging from early 60s to early 80s. Most of them are familiar faces I have encountered during my previous visits to the center.

The workshop was broken down into three stages: Discuss, Design, and Exchange. It all started with a slideshow where I introduced topics on sexuality, aging, design, and accessibility, giving participants a general context of this workshop. During the middle of my presentation, we had an icebreaker activity that invited participants to share their thoughts on intimacy and sexuality, through three questions: What is sexual but not intimate to you? What is intimate but not sexual to you? And finally, what is both intimate and sexual to you? The participants were surprised to find that what they considered sexual was not the same for another person. 

“It’s interesting to hear that you think fingering is intimate but not sexual,” one participant said to another person after hearing her answers, “because for me it’s the exact opposite.” Such diversity in responses allowed participants to realize that sexuality is subjective and that everyone has their own unique perspective. This laid the foundation for the design stage, during which participants created an object that held personal meaning, rather than catering to a general audience.

The design stage began with the participants individually working on the workbook I designed to flesh out ideas. The workbook seemed to be an optimal challenge for most people, as they were all curious to read the prompts and really took their time to complete each exercise. However, there’s one person who didn’t write anything down in his workbook at all, although he’d been reading it rather carefully the entire time. He was also making some verbal comments on the workbook, answering some of the prompts by voice rather than pen. This made me think that some people might prefer abstract thinking over pen and paper, and yet the workbook is still helpful for them as it provides a basis for their thinking process.

As people started to translate their sketches into physical models using clay, pom poms, and other art materials, I moved around the room, offering assistance and feedback. I was impressed by the creativity and the way participants incorporated our discussions of diversity, self-expression, and speculative design into their designs. Some participants were able to take existing sex toy ideas to the next level. For example, one participant built a dildo in the shape of an animalistic creature, with different textures on different body parts, and used bold color combinations to give it a visceral, intriguing feeling.

It was interesting to observe that participants with younger age (60s to early 70s) seemed more comfortable and confident in making stuff than their older peers, who appeared to be more careful and took more time. In addition, the male participants (5 people) were more assertive about their ideas than the female participants (4 people), who, when explaining their ideas to others, sounded less certain about what they were trying to accomplish. 

Although some participants needed more encouragement than the others to try out the art crafting process, in the end, everyone created something unique and personal. In fact, it was striking to see how different all the designs were from one another. Some were infused with emotion and abstraction similar to artistic works, whereas others prioritized practicality and functionality, with the potential for mass production.

“I don’t really know what it is that I’m making,” a female participant said to me when I asked her what her design was about, “but this is what I felt when I thought about sex – a vulva expanding like a blooming flower, very abstract but expressive.”  Although her design does not serve any practical functions, through her work she was able to communicate what sex means to her – and moreover, what it feels like to her. Since my intention for this project is to provide a non-verbal way for participants to express their sexuality and emotions, I’m glad to say that this goal was fulfilled.

“What I was trying to convey to the audience, I was learning it myself.”

The workshop was an enriching experience for both the participants and myself. I came up with the idea because I believe in the creativity and imagination in seniors. However, the ideas and designs that came out of the workshop were beyond what I had imagined. It was still shocking for me to see how innovative, unconventional, and bold their ideas were, even though that was the premise of my project. This made me think that perhaps I also had started with certain assumptions or expectations about this age group, despite trying to combat existing biases towards them in our society.

This workshop idea has generated significant interest not only among the senior center members I worked with but also among my peers at school who participated in the initial user testing of the workbook. The concept of designing one’s own sex toy has resonated with many people my age, and numerous individuals have eagerly volunteered to partake in the experience. The positive feedback received from diverse audiences suggests that this workshop model can be adapted and implemented in a variety of settings and communities, especially where individuals may feel marginalized or have limited exposure to conversations around sexuality and creativity. 

The workshop provides an inclusive and empowering space for participants to explore their ideas and perspectives on topics that are not easy to talk about through words. Through participatory design, they learn to reclaim their agency in defining the object and its meanings for themselves and to embrace diversity and individual differences in the community.

In the end, I hope to share some valuable insights I gained from this workshop with anyone interested in this practice. These design principles can serve as a helpful guide for organizing a workshop of a similar nature in your own context:

• Facilitators should spend enough time and effort getting to know the community they will be working with. It’s important to build trust and establish a comfortable environment where participants feel safe to share their thoughts and ideas.
• Identifying the assets that the community already has can help structure the content of the workshop and make it more relevant to their interests and needs. For instance, the participants in my workshop have had prior exposure to art classes at the center, which has made them relatively familiar with and open to using art as a means of expression.
• Combining the topics of art and sexuality allowed for a unique and thought-provoking workshop experience. Facilitators can look for alternative ways to combine different interests and experiences to create a workshop that is both engaging and meaningful for participants. 
• It’s important to ask for feedback from participants throughout the workshop, making sure that the experience is serving their needs and expectations. This can help facilitators improve the workshop for future iterations and ensure that it remains relevant and valuable to the community.